Okay, universe

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m ready. I’m ready for a sign, a symbol, an opportunity, a reason, an anything. I’m ready for things to change. I’m ready for things to get better. I’m trying so hard to make things better. Please, if there was ever a time, the time is now.

I need to know that something is going to fall into place, that something this year is actually going to work out. I need to know that the hard work isn’t for nothing. I need to know that I’m not wasting my efforts. I just need to know, universe, that things are going to be okay.

Please universe, send up a smoke signal. Anything. Anything at all.

Grow through what you go through.

Growing up, there wasn’t a ton of money to go around my house. With a boatload of kids, living in one of the most expensive cities in Canada, my parents had every penny counted towards something two days prior to pay day arriving.

There were times when things got really bad. And yes, I know I am not the only one on earth who can say this. I was not alone in what I went through. And a lot of what I went through, kids are going through right now.

On more than one occasion, my brother’s and I went out on our bikes after dark to collect bottles from around the neighbourhood so that my mom could return them to the grocery store in hopes of getting $10 for gas money. That $10 would quite literally be the difference between my dad being able to drive to work and my dad hitchhiking to work. And since my parents always did everything within their power to make sure their children were looked after, as kids, we did everything in our power to make sure our parents were looked after.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons from my past. While I am a firm believer that our pasts don’t define us, I also believe that our past does teach us a lot if we’re willing to learn from it.

Me, I know A LOT about how to stretch a dollar. I’m exceptionally good with my money. And, though it does worry me at times (as I’m sure it does with everyone on earth unless you’re Bill Gates), I recognize that my upbringing taught me a lot about how to stay calm in times of financial struggle or monetary crisis.

Everyone on this earth has been through something difficult in their life. EVERYONE. What I’ve noticed though is some people seem doomed to make the same mistakes over and over. They’re not willing to learn from what they’ve been through.

I think that one of the best things you can do for your development and growth as a human is to learn from the circumstances that have made you. Grow through what you go through; learn from what you’ve been through. If you truly want to better yourself, to let your past make you better and your present make you stronger, then learn your lessons. Take the shittiest things that have ever happened to you and ask yourself how you can make sure that never happens again. Remember the hard times and ask yourself what you learned from them. I guarantee you, even if it’s not top of mind, you learned something from these times.

If you’ve been through hard times, if you’re going through hard times, ask yourself what you can take from the difficult and the struggle. Ask yourself how it’s going to make you better. Grow through what you go through. It sounds cliche but you’re braver than you think, stronger than you know and smarter than you believe.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of painting a smile on my face. I’m tired of rejection. I’m tired of trying to explain who I am to people I’ve known my whole life. I’m tired of trying to be a neutral party when one side is so clearly out of line.

I’m tired of everything that I say being wrong. I’m tired of everything that I do not being enough. I’m tired of ending up on the losing end of every discussion. I’m just tired of talking. I’m tired of consistently falling short of everyone’s expectations. If they don’t know me, why do they get to have expectations of me?

I’m tired of considering their feelings when they never consider mine. I’m tired of being told there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m just making it up. I’m tired of hearing ‘you’re not anxious, you’re just overdramatic’. I’m tired of being told ‘just cheer up’.

I’m so tired of being constantly watched. I don’t need to be inspected and I definitely don’t want my every move, my every action judged. I would love it if people could just let me be… leave me alone…

I’m tired of people taking advantage of me. I’m tired of everyone always wanting help from me but never wanting to help me.

I’m just tired.

I’m struggling tonight.

I’m lamenting over opportunities missed, opportunities passed and opportunities forgotten.

I’m having trouble just… existing right now. I feel bad. We all have our days, and I know this will pass, eventually. I just… wish I could avoid times like these. I wish that I was happier with where I’m at with my life.

Honest thoughts: all I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.

I’m not even anxious. I’m just… doubting myself.

How do I make an employer see the talents that I possess could be of great benefit to them when several hundred people are applying for the same job? How do I make myself stand out? I know that in person I can stand out, but somehow, I seem to keep falling short.

I’m trying to not beat myself up. I really am. I’m just trying to figure out where I am lacking. Why do I keep making it to the final step and falling short?

February air.

Cheers to the people in this world making a success of doing what they love and making a love of being successful. 

Cheers to the men and women, boys and girls, who’ve realized they’re not perfect, and that’s alright. 

Cheers to the insecurities, the struggles, the second thoughts and the what-could-have-been’s. For without them, you wouldn’t know what you truly appreciate in life.

Cheers to raw, unfiltered, electrifying satisfaction that takes over when you stop living for them and start living for yourself.  It’s like you’ve been struggling to breathe for so long that when you’re finally able to stand tall, clear your throat and breathe in the crisp clarity of the air, you wonder what took you so long.

Cheers to the honesty, the sarcasm and the laughter. The things that truly complete us, and the reasons to continue forward, even on the worst of days. Just keep going.

The struggle is real today.

Every time that I let my mind fall blank for a moment… every time… I am overcome with anxious thoughts, an anxious heart and an extremely anxious soul.

I can’t control my thoughts.

I can’t.

I’ve had two clonazepams today and my heart is still racing. This is the feeling I wish that I could explain to those that don’t struggle with anxiety. This is what I wish they could understand. Nothing needs to be overly wrong, it’s just… some days are worse than others. Some days it’s harder to leave your room. Some days it’s all you can do to just be alive.

I know this. I do. And I know that if I jut give myself some time I will eventually calm down. At least I hope that I will. But for the time being, I need a distraction. I need something to put my mind towards. I need a project. I need to make myself busy so that my mind doesn’t have time to get the better of me.

Any suggestions?