I’m struggling tonight.

I’m lamenting over opportunities missed, opportunities passed and opportunities forgotten.

I’m having trouble just… existing right now. I feel bad. We all have our days, and I know this will pass, eventually. I just… wish I could avoid times like these. I wish that I was happier with where I’m at with my life.

Honest thoughts: all I want to do is crawl into my bed and cry.

I’m not even anxious. I’m just… doubting myself.

How do I make an employer see the talents that I possess could be of great benefit to them when several hundred people are applying for the same job? How do I make myself stand out? I know that in person I can stand out, but somehow, I seem to keep falling short.

I’m trying to not beat myself up. I really am. I’m just trying to figure out where I am lacking. Why do I keep making it to the final step and falling short?

February air.

Cheers to the people in this world making a success of doing what they love and making a love of being successful. 

Cheers to the men and women, boys and girls, who’ve realized they’re not perfect, and that’s alright. 

Cheers to the insecurities, the struggles, the second thoughts and the what-could-have-been’s. For without them, you wouldn’t know what you truly appreciate in life.

Cheers to raw, unfiltered, electrifying satisfaction that takes over when you stop living for them and start living for yourself.  It’s like you’ve been struggling to breathe for so long that when you’re finally able to stand tall, clear your throat and breathe in the crisp clarity of the air, you wonder what took you so long.

Cheers to the honesty, the sarcasm and the laughter. The things that truly complete us, and the reasons to continue forward, even on the worst of days. Just keep going.

The struggle is real today.

Every time that I let my mind fall blank for a moment… every time… I am overcome with anxious thoughts, an anxious heart and an extremely anxious soul.

I can’t control my thoughts.

I can’t.

I’ve had two clonazepams today and my heart is still racing. This is the feeling I wish that I could explain to those that don’t struggle with anxiety. This is what I wish they could understand. Nothing needs to be overly wrong, it’s just… some days are worse than others. Some days it’s harder to leave your room. Some days it’s all you can do to just be alive.

I know this. I do. And I know that if I jut give myself some time I will eventually calm down. At least I hope that I will. But for the time being, I need a distraction. I need something to put my mind towards. I need a project. I need to make myself busy so that my mind doesn’t have time to get the better of me.

Any suggestions?