I got the blues.

This is not directed towards anyone in particular (more like a handful of people in my life), this is just a culmination of thoughts I’m having as I reflect on the week that has passed.

To be totally honest, I just don’t know how to talk, or motion, my way out of this funk. I’m unhappy. Immensely unhappy. I know why I’m unhappy and there’s quite literally nothing that I can do to fix it. Not a fucking thing. This dark cloud has decided that it’s going to sit above my head for the time being and, from what I can tell nothing will dissipate the shit storm that it’s brought with it.

I’m tired of people telling me to just be happy, or just smile, or just let it go, or just go for a walk. Someone left a comment on here the other day that said ‘Perhaps if you went for a walk once in a while, rather than blogging, you’d be happier’. You want to piss me off in a real hurry? Explain away mental illness by implying that if someone exercised it would just go away.

I do walk. Every fucking day. Even when it’s -30 degrees Celsius (-22 Fahrenheit). I walk. I run. I routinely get 20,000 steps on my smartwatch. I also listen to calming music. I try stay away from stressful situations. I try to get adequate sleep. I take my vitamins, every single day. I try to nourish my body with the food that I’m putting into it. I try to do everything that possibly I can to minimize the effects of truly debilitating anxiety. And I still have it. Go figure!

So now what? Go for another walk? Will that fix it?

I’ve had a lot of things making me angry/unhappy this week and I’ve just been trying to keep my head afloat. I’m trying to do for others and occupy my mind, but some nights, like tonight (clearly), my thoughts just get the better of me. So, let me state this explicitly for anyone who does not understand…

Mental illness is not something that can be swept away with a brisk walk in the park. Mental illness is not something that people want, choose or ask for, and it’s most definitely not something they can control. Yes, you can take certain measures that help you cope. But that doesn’t fix things. That doesn’t make someone better, and it certainly doesn’t make the issue disappear.

If all of someone’s problems can be fixed by going for a walk, or smiling or just being happy, that’s not mental illness, that’s just a bad fucking day. So the next time you want to say something ignorant to someone who is suffering, don’t. Educate yourself. Ask yourself ‘will this really help them or am I just believing what I want to believe because I don’t know any better?’

I didn’t ask for this anxiety. I don’t want this anxiety. I certainly wish I cold be normal and happy-go-lucky and always see the brighter side but that’s not real. I need to be me.

Am I kind of a bummer sometimes? Yeah. I try my absolute best to not let it get the better of me but sometimes it does. Sometimes I just need to vent and let it out. I guess that’s what this is, because people have been pissing me off this week and I just need a break, a holiday and maybe a beer.

Turn your wounds into wisdom, your hurt into healing and your breakdown into a breakthrough.

Dear Self,

When life gets hard, it’s easy to crawl into bed, hide under the covers and wait for it to pass you by. It’s easy to think you’re not capable or you’re not good enough you just don’t deserve.

Things might really suck right now. It might feel like the darkest of the dark hours you can see. It may be the worst day, week or year of your life. And all you want to do in this world is just give up, to think that you’re worthless. Let me tell you, self, in these moments, you are wrong. You are completely and totally wrong in every sense.

You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are capable enough and you are more than qualified to conquer whatever the world throws at you. And I promise you that one day… one day you’re going to look back on this point in life and laugh. As a distant memory you’re going to be so grateful that you stuck it out and you kept going, even when every bone in your body was telling you to not.

So if you’re in need of some motivation, look no further.

It takes time to build success. It might be human nature to see someone find success and imagine it as this spontaneous emergence for them that came over night. Simply put, that’s not the case. It takes days, weeks, months, years even, of consistent work, of a desire to make small changes day after day.

Each day that you’re struggling, each day that you just don’t want to try any longer, you’re building your strength and resilience by putting one foot in front of the other. If you keep going despite any setbacks you might face, you’re going to turn into one powerful human being. You might not see it now, but it’s being built inside of you, like the Rocky Mountains that took thousands of years to seemingly reach the sky. Now you look at them and it’s as if you never saw a sight so beautiful. Don’t just conquer your mountains, make your own.

Only the weak quit. And they do quit all the time. So if you continue on and defeat that urge to quit, you’re going to reap the rewards of new opportunities left open by those weak minded souls that quit along the way. You’re not weak, so make sure that you’re ready to take advantages of those opportunities when they’re presented.

Even the biggest of blunders, even the worst of mistakes, even the most down of days, they beat the hell out of not ever trying. Because as long as you’re trying, you’re not allowing your fear to hold you back.

I can’t stress this enough, self, JUST KEEP GOING. Turn your wounds into wisdom, turn your hurt into healing and turn your breakdown into a breakthrough.

Tackling my triggers.

This month there are several things that have been giving me anxiety. And, instead of hiding from them, I have decided that I am going to tackle them. I may not get them all accomplished, but I am for darn sure going to try and work through them.

Things that are currently giving me anxiety.

  1. Applying for Employment Insurance
  2. Applying for independent health-care benefits
  3. Completing my 2018 taxes
  4. Finding a new job.

The list is not that long and doesn’t seem all that daunting. But, EI basically makes you commit to promising your first born child in exchange for EI payments. The form was very overwhelming and took a full hour to complete.

Also, due to my ongoing issues with my sinuses I am running into more medical needs. Thankfully, being Canadian, a lot of things are covered. But, there are still things that aren’t covered. I had convinced myself that I was going to apply for health-care benefits from a provider on my own, but, when I sat down to fill out the form they wanted a listing of all of the medicine I have been prescribed in the past year. I got scared they’d see all the times that I’ve been prescribed medication (that didn’t help), think that i am a risk and not provide me benefits. So, I clicked away from the form and have been hiding from it since.

Taxes are something that I have always had my mom help me with. It sounds dumb – I should do my own taxes. But, my mom always helped me with it every year, so, I always let her! This year, she’s undergoing treatment for cancer and is really more sick than anything else at the moment. The idea of completing these myself is really daunting. It shouldn’t be daunting, but it is.

And the job. Oh, the job. This is a frustrating piece to my list because of the fact that it really feels as though a university degree isn’t worth all that much anymore. Nevermind the actual experience I’ve been collecting over the past decade. I am pushing myself into this label of ‘token unemployed millennial’ that is making me feel like a deadbeat. I know that all I can do is keep going. But, it’s daunting.

Here’s to facing my fears and trying to get through this.

A doctor, some updates and still no answers.

I had a follow up appointment with the ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) specialist today. After taking 9 months to get to him (referrals take forever in this part of the country) it’s so nice being able to book follow up appointments so quickly.

Where we last left off – I’ve had a sinus infection and several other mysterious ailments since November of 2017. The ENT Specialist made a referral for me to get a CT Scan so that he could have a full view of the inside of my head. The scan was done two weeks ago, so today, I went for the results of the CT Scan, hoping and praying that something was wrong on my scan so at least we would have something that was fixable.

My CT scan is perfectly normal. According to him, looking at my scan looks like a normal scan of a perfectly normal human being.

This obviously upset me quite a bit because I’ve been struggling for quite a while. And, he can see that I am struggling. He let me know that he sees I’m struggling and he wants to make me better. When he tried to stick his laparoscopic camera up my nose to see what was going on, he could not because it was too swollen.

Thankfully, the ENT specialist is not quitting on me. He proclaimed that he knows something is wrong with me and he will get to the bottom of it if I have to keep coming back to see him every month. Which, thank you! Thank you so much. I have finally found a doctor that agrees something is not right and needs to be fixed.

He’s scheduled me for some AutoImmune – Blood Tests for next week. (Thank you to DomesticatedRambler for suggesting that on a previous post I made to this blog) The ENT suggested that if this is something autoimmune related, the blood markers test he’s sending me for could explain a lot.

He’s also scheduled me to have a full scale allergist appointment in a couple of weeks. The test is not just a blood test (like I’ve had in the past), but instead, a full fledged allergen test where they prick you with the allergen and tape the area of your skin to see where your body/blood reacts and where it doesn’t. Apparently it tests for up to 250 allergens, so it involves getting poked by needles 250 times. Sounds like fun! Not! But, if it helps figure out what’s wrong with me, I will be grateful.

The ENT also referred me to a new medication for sinus infections called ‘Rhino Rinse’. It’s not something I’ve ever had before. He says you need to get referrals for it and then told me that it would be covered by my insurance. When I mentioned to him that I was presently unemployed, and thus without insurance, he gave me one. He just gave it to me! He said the units could be quite pricey and he does’t want me to have to pay for it if he’s not even positive if it will help me or not. How nice is he? So amazing!

I left the appointment today with him saying “I know you’re not feeling good, I know you’re struggling. I can see it. I am going to do whatever I can and whatever is in my power to help you feel better. We will get to the bottom of this, so please don’t give up.”

It’s like he knew exactly what I needed to hear but didn’t want to ask him to say. Nevertheless it made me tear up when he said it. I’m just so thankful to have found a doctor who is helpful and doesn’t pass me off as a hypochondriac.

I have a follow up with the ENT on April 11. At that time he will provide me the results to my AutoImmune blood work and to my allergy test. Here’s to praying that at least one of those shows something. Anything! If I know what’s wrong I can work to fixing it. I just need to know what’s wrong.

Whew, this was a lot to say. Heading to bed now.

Rest easy, world. ❤