“Perhaps I should speak with your boss, again.”

Don’t cross me. I don’t have time, or patience, for it. Don’t be an idiot. Just don’t.

This morning… to start off a great Wednesday, I was contacted by someone selling advertising space. This someone, named Jayden, contacted my boss yesterday and was told that he needed to speak with me about any and all advertising that our company does.

Today Jayden called my office line and left me a vague voicemail asking me to call him back.

No thanks, Jayden. I’m not wasting my time on a phone call to get information that can be provided to me in an email. So, I emailed Jayden and said that if he’d like to provide me information, he can do so by email. I also mentioned that I’m working from home right now and that I do not give out my cell phone number very easily because people tend to keep it when I don’t want them to.

Jayden got my email and decided it would be a great idea to call my office line, again. This time Jayden pleaded with me that it’s imperative we speak by phone and that he appreciates human connection when he’s working with companies from around the country.

You know what I can’t do when I’m at home? Answer a fucking phone that’s on the 24th floor of an office tower downtown. As mentioned in the previous email, Jayden, I’m not giving you my cell phone number. You stupid? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.

Jayden then sent me an email with an invitation to a Zoom call. Not for tomorrow. Not for a week from now. The zoom call was in progress. He was sitting on zoom waiting, hoping that I’d click the link and answer.

Again, you stupid, Jayden?

That’s so aggressive. He doesn’t know if I have a fucking meeting or not. Why would he just sit on zoom and wait?

I wrote Jayden an email and said ‘Please email any information you’d like to provide. I will review it when I am able and get back to you.’

Jayden wrote me back and said ‘It seems you cannot make time for me. Perhaps I should speak with [my boss’ name], again.”

Yeah, you know what, Jayden… why don’t you go call my fucking boss again. Go ahead. I dare you. I’m going to send him a note that tells him just how aggressive and stupid you’ve been this morning. I’m going to instruct him to tell you to fuck off. He’s not going to, because he’s a lot nicer than me. He’ll use much kinder words. And, though I don’t think you deserve kind words, he’s going to offer them to you anyway.

Have a nice life, Jayden.

A pension for destruction.

Spiraling out of control seems to be the only thing I am capable of right now. And I have to believe that’s okay. It’s okay to not always be happy. It’s okay to not always have the answers. It has to be okay. Too many people live with preconceived notions that things must always be good. But life isn’t always like that. Life is messy. Things happen that you don’t want to deal with and sometimes it’s all you can do to get out of bed each day. That’s okay.

When you’re in a difficult headspace, sometimes getting out of bed each day is the best thing that you can do. I know that’s how I’ve felt lately.

Where am I going to live in two weeks? I don’t know. How am I going to move there? I don’t know. What should I do with my life? I don’t know.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I wish that I knew. I wish that I had the answers. I wish that I wasn’t being such an asshole to the people who care most about me. In addition to not being able to control my life, I can’t seem to be able to control my feelings or attitude either.

I screwed up. I’m continuing to screw up. Making things worse seems to be my talent right now. I wish I had answers. I wish I had a feeling that this was going to be okay.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. (Still trying to pep talk myself. Still hoping it’ll work)

Like sand through the hourglass… these are the days of our lives.

-V