Happy Mother’s Day

She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”

JD Salinger

Thank you to all of the moms, step moms, foster moms, guardian moms and grandmas and every other woman taking on a motherly role in someone’s life. You continue to hold the universe together for each and every one of us, and for that, infinite gratitude just never seems enough.

Your children are lucky to have you. The universe is lucky to have you. What would life have been like, if not for the tireless effort and endless hours you’ve invested? Sending love and lots of it.

Thank you. All of you.

I’m okay.

I am okay.

I say this a lot, I know that. I say this because I mean it. Because no other description could accurately depict how I’m feeling. I’m okay. Just okay. I’m not great. I’m not awful either. I’m chugging along in this thing called life.

I think too many people carry ‘I’m okay’ with a negative connotation. They treat it as avoidance. And really, that’s not the case.. Sometimes people say ‘I’m okay’ because that’s the best way of describing how they’re feeling or where they’re at with life.

I’m okay with how things are. I’m not happy about things, but I don’t hate it either. I count my blessings, appreciate my loved ones and am hopeful for the future. Still, though, I’m okay with the way the world turns. When you ask me how I’m doing, I genuinely mean it when I say I’m okay. I’m just… okay.

Today, I’m okay. Tomorrow might be better. Or, it might not. But I’m learning the importance in taking it one day at a time, and the importance of just being okay with where you’re at in life. You don’t have to lie. You don’t have to pretend you’re in a good place and you don’t have to hide if you’re in a bad place.

It’s okay to just be okay.

Worries of the day.

Today hasn’t been the greatest of days. My anxiety is exceptionally high and I don’t know how to control it.

My brother lied to me this morning. Right to my face. I knew that he lied to me when he did it and he knew he lied to me when he did it, and still, when I called him out on the lie, he chose to try and ‘save himself’ by offering up another lie. I don’t believe in lying to someone to spare their feelings. Knowing that my brother is lying to me doesn’t spare any feelings. It just pisses me off. I wish he would just tell me the truth. That’s all I want, the truth.

On a completely different note, I’m worried about my parents. My mom, I’ve been worried about for a while. My dad, lately, has become a new worry of mine. He seems to be struggling more and more with simple tasks. And though he’s been incredible at helping my mom through her cancer treatments, he’s getting very forgetful. I can say something two or three times and he’ll still ask me again as though we’ve never talked about it before. He’s also losing his hearing. Having a simple conversation is getting increasingly difficult and it’s worrisome to see, to be a part of, and to not be able to help with.

Switching gears again, I lost out on a job interview today. I got an email at 9:00 am this morning asking me to come for an interview in another province at 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Under normal circumstances doing that is difficult. How do I get there in less than 24 hours? And even if I could get there in 24 hours, the cost of that job interview on my behalf? It’s hard. It’s so hard. I have so many abilities and so much potential and I’m continuing to hit these roadblocks. I want to feel like I’m contributing to society. I want to be working. How do I justify spending $1,000 on an interview that has no guarantee it’ll even pan out? When I asked if I could push the interview back to later this week or early next (as a means to give myself more time to formulate a plan to get there) I was told that they’re moving forward with interviewing candidates willing to come in when requested of and wished me luck with future career endeavors. Thanks, I guess.

Lastly, I’ve been feeling quite sick lately. I’ve been chalking it up to being stressed about just about everything in my life, so I’ve been trying to not get anxious about it. But the truth is, the nausea is worrisome. I can’t seem to eat anything without feeling sick. And I’m tired. So tired. Not just in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense too. I’m struggling to sleep, I’m struggling to deal, and it’s hard.

I need to stop pouring my heart out to the internet, I know that. But it’s an outlet, for now. And if something can help me feel at list a little bit less anxious, I’m going to do it.

“Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Fuck you, anxiety.

I woke up today anxious.

I have no reason to be anxious. There’s nothing wrong. I’m not waiting on news. I’m not in peril. I’m not in pain. My family and friends are all alright. What is wrong? Why is my anxiety through the roof right now? I don’t know.

Perhaps that’s the thing that pisses me off about anxiety. When there’s something clearly wrong with me I am able to work through and figure out how to de-stress my life, my self or my surroundings. But anxiety doesn’t always work like that. Anxiety works like a massive ninja that sneaks up on you like a massive ninja when you least expect it, leaving you distraught, unsettled and frustrated with life.

I’m not sure how much I’ll do today or how far I’ll go. Perhaps my time is best spent at home, looking after myself. I don’t know.. we’ll see.