Note to self:

If you’re feeling frightened about what comes, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness; don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes, because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again

Just keep going.

So… I ditched Derrick.

It’s true, I did. My life is presently Derrick free at the moment. And, whilst things haven’t really calmed down since, I am feeling a certain gratitude for not having to deal with him.

I fled for British Columbia, where the forests are plentiful and the cell reception is sparse. There’s a neighbourhood moose that likes to walk down the street in the morning’s – perhaps he’s up early to get his workout done before his day begins. (And yes, it’s a ‘he’. I’m Canadian, we know these things) It’s very much a small town… the kind of place where everyone seems to know everyone and there’s a mini-van in every driveway and a roast in every oven. Oh, it’s also the kind of place where there’s still snow on the ground on April 16. Yeah, there’s definitely character.

As far as my health goes, I received no diagnosis from the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist. Not only that, but I also was told that he’s got nothing left to do to help me and that there’s no explanation for it, so I just have to live with it. It wasn’t the answer that I wanted, but, until I can find a new doctor who’s willing to think outside of the box, I guess I do just have to live with it.

In taking steps with my anxiety, I got a referral to talk with a Psychologist. They’re supposed to call me next Monday. I’ve known for a while now, at least a few months, that talking to someone could be a benefit to me. I’ve just been scared to go because I don’t have insurance right now and it’s quite expensive. That being said, I’ve decided that I’m going to go and I’m going to try it. We’ll see what happens. Trying to explain to the doctor that I have anxiety and not depression was a struggle.

I’m trying really hard to keep my insecurities in check. Not because I’m afraid of them, but moreso because I do not want to let them win. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, but everyone has to start somewhere.

Here’s to starting from somewhere. My brother sent me a text message that said ‘May the odds be forever in your favour’. Here’s to hoping.

Sunday’s are for:

I love Sunday’s. Sunday’s are my day. Sunday’s are a day for sleeping in, a day for adventure, a day for chasing sunsets, a day for getting my nails done, a day for unequivocally being completely myself in every way possible.

I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to do anything unless I choose. If I work, it’s because I want to. If I don’t it’s because I want to. It’s a day for love and lust and taking the last drink in the fridge and the first burger off the barbecue.

Sunday’s are a day for the lost souls, for the wandering souls and for the sweet souls. It’s a day where anything can happen, and it’s equally as incredible a time if nothing happens at all. Sunday’s don’t judge, they simply accept you for who and what you are and allow you to do as you please.

I wish every day could be Sunday. I wish there were more time for adventure, more time for confidence building and more time for the moments I’ll never forget.

Sunday’s are my day. The best day.

Here’s to Sunday’s. May the adventures take us farther than our little hearts could ever dream of.

Running away.

I wish I could say that you would like me if you got to know me, but the truth is most days I play a lead role in the award winning saga that is my life. Things happen that I have zero control over and about the only thing I have left to do is just try and roll with it. Trying to find the positive is hard. It’s really hard. And I don’t say that in a ‘feel bad for me’ kind of way. I just say that in a… when the world kicks you down, it hurts.

Positives:

  • I have a job interview this afternoon. It’s for a job that I know I can do in a place that I do not want to work. But, it’s a job. And, after two months of being without work, it seems like it might just be a good fit for me right now. I can work at it for a while until I figure out my next move in life. Right?

Negatives:

  • I don’t want to feel like I’m settling. I went to school and I put in nearly a decade’s worth of work towards a career. I don’t want to walk that career backwards by taking a job that could reflect poorly on my resume.

It’s been bitterly cold here for the past month. Bitterly cold. In the past 26 days I can recall one day that the temperature was higher than -15 degrees Celsius. I am starting to think that my best option might be to run away to somewhere warm. Selling fruit on the side of a road on a Caribbean island sounds really appealing these days. It would also allow me to run from my problems, which, who doesn’t want to do that?

Life Updates:

My mom is progressing through her cancer treatments. I’m finding solace in the fact that after this she is hopefully going to be completely healthy and okay! She’s mad that she has to have a tattoo, she’s sad that her hair is falling out at alarming rates and she’s been very sick, but she’s fighting. And for that, I can’t help but feel thankful. Not everyone gets so lucky to find the cancer so early.

Knight got a parking ticket this morning. He was pretty impressed to go out and leave for work and find that on his car. I guess though, if a parking ticket is our biggest worry at this point, we’re laughing. It’s not as though we’re battling cancer or something horrendous has happened. Our problems, in the grande scheme of things are completely first world problems.

Missing the West Coast.

Okay, I best be off to get ready for my interview now. If I don’t run away, I’ll need to take advantage of this interview in hopes of employment.

Day 52: Officially three weeks without a home.

On December 31 I gave notice to my building that I would be moving out on January 31. In my mind, there was no way that I needed, nor wanted, to stay there longer than January 31 and so I was going to have a new fabulous plan and a new fabulous life to start on February 1.

Life knocked me on my ass.

On February 1st I started crashing in the basement of someone I didn’t know prior to February 1st. Crazy, right? I thought so too. But I did it.

In the past three weeks I’ve been hit with a daily reminder of why I need my own place. It’s such a blessing in life to have your own space where you can put things where you like, do things as you please and not have to worry about someone who flosses his teeth and leaves the picks on the table for each morning for you to find when you wake up. I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to get my own place again.

In the past three weeks I’ve learned patience in a way that I’ve never had to before. In the past three weeks I’ve been holding out desperate hope for a sign, a signal, something from the universe to show me that this is temporary and that everything is going to be okay. Yes, Knight does tell me on a daily basis that this is temporary, but I feel as though he has too. It’s his obligation to try and keep me thinking positively. And he works damn hard at it. I need to tell him more often that I notice, that I appreciate it and that I am thankful for him.

On the plus side, my motivation is not lacking. That’s a good thing. I know how easy it can be to get into a slump and stop doing anything and everything when you’re not working. I’ve definitely been there through a portion of the past month-and-a-half. Now though, now I’m in fighting mode.

My brain seems to be working faster than I can keep up with these days. I can’t contain my thoughts long enough to make them cohesive, and as such, I’ve wound up with more than 30 posts in the draft folder of this wordpress account. Pouring my heart out to the internet carries a certain catharsis that I can’t get elsewhere these days. So much so that I can’t stop writing.I guess there are worse problems to have.

Last night we had Persian for dinner and it was delicious. I wasn’t always someone to try foods outside-of-the-norm but lately, I find I’m becoming a foodie. I want to order random foods off the menu just for the heck of it. And this, random item from the menu was stupendous!

Alright, There’s two chihuahuas that are giving me the side-eye pretty hard right now. Time to get back to real life.