Life and times and unimportant things.

My thoughts are all over the map tonight. I just need to write some of this down to get it out of my head.

If I could sum up job hunting frankly, it is a lot of trying to prove your worth and value in this world to people who really don’t deserve your time.

I was denied Unemployment Insurance due to receiving a severance payment from my last employer. It really doesn’t matter that I paid 1,000 or more, per year, every year for the past decade to Unemployment, for (god forbid) an instance in which I did find myself unemployed. They took my money and now I don’t get it back. Oh well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. What I have left is what I have left until I find a new job.

I was also red-flagged medical insurance from two separate providers. See, here is the flaw in the system. When you don’t get medical insurance through an employer, you’re required to fill out a lot of forms and explain a lot of things about who you are, what your health is like and what your family history is like. So when they ask for me to list every medication I’ve been prescribed in the past 12 months I’m given a giant red-flag to the company. They’re not telling me I can’t have insurance, they’re just never going to tell me I can. Oh well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I will pay for what I have to until I find a new job.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. Job hunting is really weighing on me. The Hiring Manager for a job that I was passed-up for well over a month ago has been revisiting my LinkedIn page and I can’t help but want to send him a message saying ‘You know I can see you’re viewing my profile repeatedly, right?’ That’s a definitely struggle I have with the older generation. They can’t seem to clue into these simple concepts. If you’re going to turn me down for a position with no explanation or reasoning why, after you’ve told me I’m one of the final two candidates, why are you reviewing my LinkedIn page three days in a row, over a month later? Feeling bad about the person you hired? Or do you just genuinely not know that I can see you’ve viewed it?

My mom seems to be in good spirits the past few days, which is nice. I wouldn’t wish on anyone what she’s been going through and I know there are people in this world who have it so much worse and have had it so much worse. I’m glad to see her spirits lifting, and I’m glad to see a smile on her face again, even if it is only for a few fleeting moments at a time.

Derrick, the aforementioned roommate, has continued on his streak of making stupid/bad decisions this week. I’m beginning to think that he just prefers to make stupid decisions so that people take pity on him and do things for him. I could be way off, but it seems like he’s mastered the art of getting other people to do things so he doesn’t have to.

I’m still annoyed/bummed/frustrated that my autoimmune blood work came back negative. Though I was exceptionally anxious for the results, I was most definitely hoping for a diagnosis. At least with a diagnosis, I could finally know what is wrong. At least with a diagnosis I could learn what to do to fix, or minimize the issues I’ve been having. But no, now I have another test that says, on paper, I’m an otherwise perfectly healthy human being.

I got really pissed off at a rude Hiring Manager the other day. She was being exceptionally callous on the phone and I was trying to, as they say, ‘kill her with kindness’. It wasn’t working. It reached a point where she said ‘Tell me why you deserve this job’. I responded with ‘How about you tell me why you deserve my talents, expertise and intellectual property?’ It’s safe to say after a response like that that I won’t be hearing from that company again. Oh well, employers who take the high-and-might platform aren’t that great to work for anyway. #JobHunting

I broke my toe a few weeks back and I’ve really been having a frustrating time waiting for it to heal. I’ve been trying to not walk too much, but now that it’s finally spring, I really want to get outside and enjoy the nice weather. It’s not too too cold in Canada, so it’s time to take advantage of the fresh air. Heal toe, heal. (No pun intended)

Unrelated – I want to find friends, or at least acquaintances, who watch Jane the Virgin. I’ve been obsessed with that show since it first came out. Now that the final season has just started airing, I need someone to gossip with about the show and make predictions as to what’s about to happen. If there’s any Jane the Virgin fans out there – holla at me!

Does anyone else struggle, at times, with simple actions? This morning I had a really difficult time just crawling out of bed. I’ve been feeling myself slip deeper into a depressed state as the months go on, but I’ve been trying to fight it. Today though, today was a rough start for me. I wouldn’t say that I’m suffering from depression itself, I would just say that I’m struggling to cope right now. I need an outlet, or a sign from the Universe to let me know that everything is going to be okay.

Okay, I think that’s enough confessions for one night.

All about a Knight in Shining Armour.

First and foremost, I went to the doctor this morning. I had mentioned last week that the Doctor phoned to tell me that I needed to speak with him about the results of my Autoimmune blood testing. The only appointment that I could get was for today, so, for the past week I have been sweating it out thinking every horrible option under the sun.

Got to my appointment this morning. All of my results were negative. Therefore, I still have no diagnosis. Furthermore, I am now angry and frustrated with the doctor for making me sweat for a week, only to find out that my tests were negative. Why couldn’t he tell me that over the phone?

Okay, I will leave that there. If I say more about that I’ll stay frustrated all day. So, switching gears….

Last July, I sat in one of my favourite bar’s in the world across from a handsome man, who I was meeting for the first time, and one of the first things he said to me was ‘You know, you are really pretty.’ Then he smiled sweetly and pushed his hand out across the table to hold mine.

For a first date, he was certainly winning me over quickly.

A week later he took me to a fair. That’s right – carnival games, ferris wheels, haunted houses, fake tattoos, the whole nine yards. It was possibly my favourite day of 2018.

Over the past eight months, Knight has proven himself to be the rock that stands behind you, beside you, with you, in your corner, every single time. He’s there. He’s always there. He’s always been there.

A lot has happened in the past eight months. Largely I seem to feel as though the drama has come from my life, but he’s never complained once. He’s just been there.

The day that I got fired from my job for no reason, he drove me home from work and sat at my side letting me cry on his shoulder for hours.

When we found out that my mother’s condition was cancer, he got in a car with me at 6 pm on a Saturday night so that we could drive 12 hours, through the night to go and see her.

I’m not one to gush, but he is an incredible man. A truly incredible man. One that I think every single day I do not deserve. He’s the type of man that kisses me twice on his way out the door. The type of man who brings me flowers… just because it’s Monday. The type of man who, when my anxiety is bothering me so much that I don’t feel I can get out of bed, will tell me to stay there. He’ll bring me food and drinks and distract me from my worries to help put my mind at peace. He’s also been to every single doctor’s appointment, x-ray, blood test, and everything that I’ve had to do in the past eight months in my quest to find out what’s wrong.

When I think of a support system that everyone needs but so few get, I can’t help but feel exceptionally lucky for finding him.

The love that I feel is full, and pure, and unwavering… even when we fight. Because we do fight. That’s just a part of being in a relationship though.

Knight is the type of man who works a 12 hour day and then will come home and offer to make me dinner. Not for any other reason than because he’s a good soul. Not for any other reason than that’s his heart. Pure, full and thoughtful.

I really don’t know what the future will hold for us. I hope it’s a positive one. I hope that eventually we can reach a point where it stops feeling as though there’s so much negative out there and that things can just be positive and carefree for a while. I do know though, that I want to keep him around. I know that I’m extremely lucky. I know that a love like this doesn’t come along often and I know that I’ve got something a lot of girls dream of having.

This post has been really mushy. Which, he can attest, isn’t typically my style. But, the moral of the story is that it’s so refreshing and wonderful to find a love like that.

Ups and downs of anxiety

Out of nowhere last night a massive anxiety attack took over and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I started wiping away little tears quickly to try and not let anyone notice that I was crying, though I felt that at any second I could burst out into full on tears, bawling my eyes out. The worst part of the situation was that I had no idea why.

Things were great yesterday! I had a really, really nice day. Right around the time we started making dinner though, I started feeling uneasy. Something just felt off. I think a part of me started fearing that something bad was about to happen – but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

That’s where I struggle with anxiety most. There are times when I get anxious and I have a clear, concise indication of what is making me anxious. Then, there are times that I get anxious where I really don’t understand what is wrong. Yes, I do have a few more stresses in my life right now than I would like, but we all have to play the cards we’re dealt in life. I just wish when things like this happened that I knew what was the cause. Because at least, if I knew what the cause was, I could take steps to try and fix it.

So many people in this world suffer from anxiety, and I know that. Last night though, last night was one of those nights where I just felt as though I was alone in the universe. I guess that’s how it goes, though. There’s ups and downs and you just have to roll with the punches.

Applying for jobs is a frustrating process.

I miss the days when you could walk into a place of employment and ask for an application. The wonderful soul working there would hand you a piece of paper and you could fill it out. That’s it, that’s all. And then, your ability to get an interview was measured based off what was listed on your application.

Those were the good ole days.

Yesterday I spent one hour and fourteen minutes submitting an application for ONE PLACE. ONE PLACE. They had my resume and cover letter submitted through LinkedIn. Once that was submitted I was sent an email exclaiming that I needed to “apply” and that those who applied had a 60% higher chance of getting an interview.

I thought that I had applied – silly me.

Nevertheless, I bit the bullet, clicked the link and started to ‘apply’. What followed was more than thirty minutes of every question that could, and should, actually be asked during a job interview. What would you bring to our team culture? If we have a staff game night, what game are you bringing? What is your biggest weakeness? And on, and on, and on.

This got me thinking… if you’re asking these questions to candidates during the application process, what do you actually ask during a job interview? Or do you even host an interview? Maybe you just make candidates jump through so many hoops that whoever is left standing at the end, you think ‘yeah, they put up with all that shit, we better hire them’.

Following the thirty minutes of job interview questions that I had to fill out, I thought ‘I’m done. Thank goodness’. I went on to researching more positions I’m qualified for and just a few short minutes later heard my phone beep with the email noise.

It was this company, again.

‘Please complete the pre-interview cognitive assessment test’, the email read. ‘Candidates who complete this test prove they’re intelligence and ability to work and therefore have advantages over candidates who don’t complete this assessment.’

Well, shit. I don’t want to have gotten this far into it and not completed the application now. So, I caved… clicked the link and started the test.

What I got was thirty minutes of infuriating math and pattern questions that have nothing to do with marketing, communications or public relations. My ability to determine what symbol comes next after a row of 20 symbols, that’s going to make me a better public relations specialist? My ability to remember the ‘FOIL’ technique to do timed math equations, that is going to make me a better marketer?

I don’t understand this company. I don’t. An ability to answer math questions or complete pattern recognition does not measure my culpability in an office environment. It does not tell you if I can write press releases, it does not explain whether or not I can handle stress. It tells you that I paid attention in math class when I was in school.

Job hunting is infuriating. When did it get this why? Why did it get this way? What is the point of even having a resume and cover letter anymore if all that really matters is how well you can jump through these hoops for a potential employer? What is my actual education and experience worth right now if pattern recognition is what makes me a beneficial employee to an organization?

I’m ranting. I know that. I know that I just need to suck it up and deal with it. I swear though, I swear right now that if I ever become a hiring manager or have a role that involves being a part of the hiring process in an organization EVER, I will make it simple. It will be basic. We will measure candidates for their qualifications and their education and we will be efficient. I’m not going to waste the time of job hunters. That pisses me off. I will do it better.

Okay, I better go back to my job hunting now. Crossing my fingers that it’s a little less infuriating today.

Side note – is instagram down right now? I can’t get on mine at all today. Or perhaps, maybe my account got blacklisted? I don’t know.

Okay, bye.

Not afraid of what’s to come.

Normally people talk about having ups and downs in life. From my perspective, the past eight weeks of my life have had a lot of downs. I won’t lie, there has been a few good moments. But, it’s seemed as though the bad has far outweighed the good. For me, bad things don’t come in three’s, bad things come in eleven’s or twelve’s.

Nevertheless, life goes on and we must learn to deal with what is put in front of us. For me, for the first time in eight weeks, I am feeling hopeful. At least I think this is what hope is.

Today was a really good day. Nothing overly special happened, it was just a calm quiet Sunday. I think that’s why I liked it so much though. Calm and quiet are good things to have right now.

This week I will be getting some blood tests done to test for autoimmune diseases. I’m not afraid of being diagnosed with something. At this point, I would actually really like to be given a diagnosis. At least with a diagnosis, I could have proof that my symptoms aren’t in my head. Also, with a diagnosis, I could say ‘okay, this is what it is, lets work towards minimizing my symptoms and the toll it takes on me’. Wish me luck!

In other news, something really cool is happening this year that I haven’t really talked, or thought much about the past eight weeks. My two younger brothers are identical twins. This year, they’re having babies… just two months apart from each other. They’re going to become dad’s for the first time, right around the same time. I’m excited to see what the future holds for them, I am excited to meet the newest little additions to my family and I have been really enjoying shopping for adorable baby clothes for them. The babies will be technically both cousins and half-siblings (DNA of identical twins being the same). How cool is that?

This week I am determined to make farther steps to getting a new job. I’m tired of being unemployed. I don’t need work to feel as though I have a purpose, but I want to work to feel as though I am contributing to something. Furthermore, I want to travel so I need to work to save money. All things said, I NEED A JOB. Vee does not want to tolerate being unemployed any longer. I am a badass, intelligent human being with a university degree and ten year’s experience working PR for a massive organization. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN. (That was a pep talk to myself, in case it wasn’t clear)

It’s 8:30 on a Sunday night and I’m already considering curling up and calling it a night. Is this what being a grandma is like?

Rest easy, world.

I didn’t get the job.

That’s right, I didn’t get the job. Which is crazy to me. Because I nailed the interview, was absolutely overqualified and made them laugh and smile quite a bit.

Today hasn’t been a good day. And I mean, you have to have bad days in order to have a good day… I know this. But it still sucks.

I got an email this afternoon that says “We’re unable to hire you”. Unable, or unwilling? Regardless, I didn’t get the job. I honestly can’t even fathom what I did wrong.

So, where do I go from here? I don’t know how to feel about this all, really. I mean, I mentioned the other day that this particular job wasn’t one that I overly wanted – but I still put forth the effort. I still worked damn hard because I told myself beggers can’t be choosers. I told myself that I could do this job and I could do a damn good job of it. I made a real effort and it’s frustrating to be rejected with no reasoning why.

Rejection sucks. Nothing feels right, not right now. Back to the drawing board…

Day 37: Ugh

As the fifth day in a row of temperatures below -30 degrees Celsius continues, cabin fever is real and hitting hard.

I don’t own a car. The idea of taking on that much debt terrifies me. As someone who has been on their own since they were 17, I don’t want to accumulate more than I can pay off. So, when it gets this cold, there’s not much more to do than stay in side, look for jobs online and watch a lot of Netflix.

Not owning a vehicle definitely makes getting around an interesting task when you’re 30 miles from the nearest town.

There’s a dog in this house named Bruiser, who quite literally leaves bruises on your body if you piss him off. And he’s a temperamental little bugger too, so it’s quite easy to piss him off. Never have I met a more aptly named pet in my life. Also, he snores. He’s on the couch across from me, four legs in the air, snoring like a full-fledged human man right now. Oh, Bruiser.

I long for the days when life is figured out. When I have a plan, a job and can effectively turn this passion project of mine into a full-fledged reality. The days when I can wander the world, taking beautiful photos and meeting beautiful strangers… and eating food even before I learn what it is. I long for the sunsets on new coasts and sunrises in new cities.

I am bound and determined to believe that December 31, 2018 will become the best thing that ever happened to me. That it will have been the day this all started. It was the day that all of the negativity in my life was cut out and the new, proper chapter began. What I need right now is to get through this literal and metaphorical cold snap confining my existence to this unemployment.

Life will get figured out. Hopefully it doesn’t come to robbing banks to get me to the sandy beaches of the Seychelles. (Small joke, I would never rob a bank) And hopefully that’ll just be my beginning.

Until then, still counting the days.