Should I be impulsive or should I be responsible?

Do I get on a plane, or do I stay home and not spend money when I don’t have a ton of it to go around? Do I accept the money from someone for the plane ticket, if I know I can’t pay it back, even though I know they’d never ask for me to pay it back? Do I follow my heart, or listen to my head?

I have a hard time accepting money, or anything, from people. I always have. Regardless of the person, regardless of the value of what they’re trying to give. It’s something I struggle with, greatly. There are people in my life that I know are genuine when they want to give me things, yet I refuse to allow them. I just feel as though if the no gifts rule has to apply to one, that rule has to apply to all. As much as I try to make exceptions and try to accept the love and generosity someone is trying to give me, old habits are hard to change.

It seems like such a simple answer. ‘Girl, go… get on a plane… do what makes you happiest, chase what you love most. Life is short. Helping someone through cancer treatments teaches you that like a slap to the face on a cold winter’s day.’ That’s my inner-voice speaking. But, if there’s one thing life has taught me this year, life doesn’t get to be so simple. I’ve been feeling the need to be cautious with my decisions lately. I want to set myself up for the future. I want a future, a good future, an important future. I’m capable of so much and truthfully, part of me worries I am one bad decision away from ruining that potential.

The Psychiatrist that I’ve been seeing says that I’m a chronic over-thinker with compulsive tendencies. Translation: I spend a long time thinking about things and then just do it anyway. While I won’t deny, that has allowed me some pretty incredible experiences in life, I don’t want to feel as though I’m sponging off those that I love for the rest of my life.

Okay, so, in all likelihood, I’m going to continue thinking about this all night long. There’s a very real possibility that I resort to online shopping in hopes to distract myself. Does anyone else put things in your online shopping cart for ten different websites at once and never actually buy anything? Or, is that just me? That’s likely just me.

My fitbit is beeping at me to go to bed. Really quick though, before I peel off my socks and curly up in bed, I’ve got something totally unrelated to this to say. I’ve been really disappointed with the news coming to light of all (in the past few weeks) of the trash Canada has shipped overseas under the misquoted manifest of ‘recyclables’. While we’re one of the most developed nations on earth, we’re only actually recycling as little as 9% of materials that are able to be recycled. And if it’s happening here, it’s happening in more than just Canada. We need to be better. As a human race, we need to be better. We need to make the effort. The very state of our planet depends on it. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Sweet dreams, beautiful world.

On ‘playing the cards you’re dealt’.

I whine a lot to the internet. I do. I’ll admit that.

I am so incredibly grateful that it’s finally spring time in Canada.

When I started this blog I had grandiose plans of making it a fun and interesting place to come write about fun activities I was doing and posting restaurant reviews, perhaps even a lot of travel. And I still want to do all of those things. But I also believe in being real. Where I’m at in my life right now isn’t a fun place to be. And I’m not going to hide that and pretend it isn’t the case. I’m trying, though. I would like that stipulation known. I am really, genuinely trying. Sometimes the cards just suck and you have to get ready for the next hand and the next chapter in life.

The thing about wordpress is that, in spite of being a place filled with strangers, somehow it allows me to feel less alone in this universe.

I have trouble sleeping most nights. In spite of reading every sleep-help suggestion I can find and trying all of them, I still struggle to sleep. And though I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it does make me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not alone in this issue.

Things appear to be looking up. And, though I’m trying to not get my hopes up too high, I am feeling cautiously optimistic. I don’t want to talk too much about what’s going on because if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want to have to explain why. But, if it does happen, it’ll be a good step forward for me, and for us.

Derrick, the aforementioned lunatic who lives upstairs, has continued his streak of manipulation and idiocy. There’s nothing new about that. In the two months that I’ve known him he’s tried to ‘get with’ three women – none of which were available, all of which were either in a relationship or fresh out of one, and each of which I have heard him lie to on several occasions. I’m sorry, if you need to lie to spend time with someone, you’re doing it wrong.

I have an appointment with the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Specialist on Thursday. I’ve done the Autoimmune blood testing now and it came back negative. I’ve also done the allergy testing – which was a huge waste of my time (story for another day). I’m not sure what’s going to come from the appointment on Thursday but hopefully he’s got some new ideas of what might be able to help me. I really just want to feel healthy again.

I’m still looking for a job. I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog the stupid things I’ve run into in the job hunting process. It’s been a frustrating ordeal. Education, experience and common sense don’t appear to be worth too much these days.

Things in 2019 have sucked, so far. That’s not to say there hasn’t been good. There definitely has been good and I am not trying to minimize that. Knight has been a rock. The man is basically the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. As a whole though, this year (so far) has been a bit of a write off for me. I’m ready for some change, I’m ready to move onward and upward.

Don’t settle. That’s something I have to tell myself every day. Don’t settle. You’re worth so much more than you believe. Try and stay in the positive. Onward and upward. #MotivationMonday