Real thoughts

I’m scared.
I’m sad.
I’m anxious.
I don’t know how to fix any of it.

Winter is weighing on me. The darkness is weighing on me. The cold, making it hard to be outside for any length of time, is weighing on me. Looking after sick people is weighing on me. Rejection is weighing on me. Not having a plan for life is weighing on me. Feeling lonely is weighing on me. Lack of steady income is weighing on me. People telling me ‘just do it, it’s easy’ is weighing on me. People saying ‘stop worrying so much’ is weighing on me. Feeling like a disappointment is weighing on me. Feeling like my problems aren’t real problems is weighing on me. Everything is weighing on me.

These thoughts, while I invariably avoid them day-to-day, every once in a while tend to pop up all at once and consume my brain to the point where I can’t do anything but worry.

And so I sit here, trying to distract myself, but inevitably, worrying more than anything else.

Worries of the day.

Today hasn’t been the greatest of days. My anxiety is exceptionally high and I don’t know how to control it.

My brother lied to me this morning. Right to my face. I knew that he lied to me when he did it and he knew he lied to me when he did it, and still, when I called him out on the lie, he chose to try and ‘save himself’ by offering up another lie. I don’t believe in lying to someone to spare their feelings. Knowing that my brother is lying to me doesn’t spare any feelings. It just pisses me off. I wish he would just tell me the truth. That’s all I want, the truth.

On a completely different note, I’m worried about my parents. My mom, I’ve been worried about for a while. My dad, lately, has become a new worry of mine. He seems to be struggling more and more with simple tasks. And though he’s been incredible at helping my mom through her cancer treatments, he’s getting very forgetful. I can say something two or three times and he’ll still ask me again as though we’ve never talked about it before. He’s also losing his hearing. Having a simple conversation is getting increasingly difficult and it’s worrisome to see, to be a part of, and to not be able to help with.

Switching gears again, I lost out on a job interview today. I got an email at 9:00 am this morning asking me to come for an interview in another province at 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Under normal circumstances doing that is difficult. How do I get there in less than 24 hours? And even if I could get there in 24 hours, the cost of that job interview on my behalf? It’s hard. It’s so hard. I have so many abilities and so much potential and I’m continuing to hit these roadblocks. I want to feel like I’m contributing to society. I want to be working. How do I justify spending $1,000 on an interview that has no guarantee it’ll even pan out? When I asked if I could push the interview back to later this week or early next (as a means to give myself more time to formulate a plan to get there) I was told that they’re moving forward with interviewing candidates willing to come in when requested of and wished me luck with future career endeavors. Thanks, I guess.

Lastly, I’ve been feeling quite sick lately. I’ve been chalking it up to being stressed about just about everything in my life, so I’ve been trying to not get anxious about it. But the truth is, the nausea is worrisome. I can’t seem to eat anything without feeling sick. And I’m tired. So tired. Not just in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense too. I’m struggling to sleep, I’m struggling to deal, and it’s hard.

I need to stop pouring my heart out to the internet, I know that. But it’s an outlet, for now. And if something can help me feel at list a little bit less anxious, I’m going to do it.

“Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Alfred Lord Tennyson

The new norm.

Surprise! I’m still alive. I know, it’s shocking me as well. I was pretty down-and-out for a few days there. And, though I still can’t really hear, I can at least walk up the stairs without feeling like I’m going to collapse and fall down them.

I’ve passed on my sickness to Knight, now. He’s incredibly sick. And he’s so stubborn that I don’t think he’s going to do anything about it. I’m worried about him. If he gets even half as bad as I did, he’s going to need to see a doctor. And I don’t know if he’ll even do that. So I guess I’ll just sit here and worry. That’s what girlfriend’s are good for, right?

Do you ever have panic attacks? I do. Sometimes I get them so bad it’s as though I cannot breathe and my heart is going to jump out of my chest. It’s not that I am scared of the future… okay it’s that I’m scared for the future. There are so many unknowns, I’m not sure how to grasp onto something if I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure how to anticipate something if I am unsure if it’s going to be good or bad.

I’m scared that I’m not good enough. I’m scared that I’ll never measure up to the person that I am supposed to be, the person that I think I am but always seem to fall short of.

In these moments of self-doubt, in these nights that I sit here feeling sorry for myself, or feeling as though I don’t measure up, I haven’t quite figured out how to get through it yet. I kind of just sit here and stew. I sit here and worry about money and logistics and so on and so forth. I wish I knew how to move past it. I wish I knew how to feel about the future. I wish I knew how to control it. I feel that’s a recurring theme for me, though. I never seem to know the answers.